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Gig Harbor Now and Then | A public service for the punctuation-addicted

Although Gig Harbor Now and Then is primarily a column of local history, we have from time to time presented editorial opinions concerning pressing issues of contemporary society. They are always topics that no other publication will cover, which virtually obligates us to take them on, simply for the greater good. If we don’t do it, it won’t get done.

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On occasion our editorial opinions have some measure of historical relevance, but not usually. When they don’t, the historical nature of the column has always been maintained by including parts of local history stories before or after the editorial — either answers to previous questions, or introductions to new ones. But not this time. The subject matter is too serious, and the consequences too dire, to be diluted by trivial tales of times long forgotten. Today, for perhaps the first time ever, quality trumps historical relevance.

In fact, the quality is so highly refined that before this editorial was even finished, it became ridiculously obvious that it is nothing short of Pulitzer worthy.

The only factor in determining if it actually wins the Pulitzer Prize for Editorial Writing is whether or not I can manage to somehow scrape up the $75 submission fee. If I do, it wins. If I don’t, it doesn’t. Simple as that.

Editorial opinion: Punctuation addiction

Unless you possess the polished brevity of a Hemingway, the sharp wit of a Twain, or the sophisticated clarity of a Grisham, getting a message across through writing can be very tough. As if it’s not difficult enough to choose just the right words and place them in the proper order, you also have to punctuate effectively. If not, the meaning of what you’ve written risks being either completely lost or frighteningly misinterpreted.

Mark Twain boring me with one of his dumb stories. Photo by Tonya Strickland.

At the very least, improper punctuation, or the complete lack of it, can make your writing difficult to read.

Recognizing that failure to deal with any problem usually makes it worse, we now openly address what everyone else is afraid to even whisper to their closest friends.

Overdoing it

In an ever-failing attempt to appear to be more skilled at writing than they really are, many among us go overboard with a select few punctuation marks. Those who do so regularly are the punctuation-addicted. Their compulsive engagements are most commonly manifested through the abuse of apostrophes, exclamation points, quotation marks, and commas.

As with other addictive practices, repeated abuse of the clarifying symbols of writing often leads to dependency. But unlike other addictions, that of punctuation cannot be hidden. The proliferation of online message boards, blogs, and comment sections has exposed the rampant scourge to a degree never before reached in history. Unlike in generations past, it’s now always on display.

Apostrophe abomination

Apostrophes are difficult little buggers, to be sure. A lot of people simply guess at the proper use, then hedge their bet by using them in several different ways, often in the same paragraph.

I went to the store and bought tomatoes, sardine’s, apples, Cheeze-It’s, corn fritters’, and turkey gizzard’s. I juiced it all together with a few scoop’s of pork fat, chugged it, then threw it all up on the sofa cushion’s.

Yeah?

It looks like you barfed up your punctuation too.

Sage advice

Years ago on a stock trading message board, I informed a poster that the meaning of their message wasn’t clear, due to their strange use of punctuation. In return, they asked, “Would you use apostrophe’s instead?”

Trying to be helpful, I pointed out, “You’ve already overused the apostrophe by writing ‘apostrophe’s.’”

I went on to give what I still think is solid writing advice, in the form of a practical and effective manner in which to circumvent any and all punctuation, thereby avoiding potentially addictive abuse. “As to hammering home a point, all you need to do is pound on the keyboard really hard when you’re typing. Either that, or do what I do when I want to be unmistakably clear: yell at the screen when you proofread the post.”

I realize that’s rarely possible because most people don’t proofread. Especially the easily agitated, who are so hell bent on posting their reactionary response as quickly as possible that they don’t dare spend a few precious seconds checking to see if instead of gaining a debate point, they’ve made themselves look like a moron.

Exclamatory excess

Some people go nuts with exclamation points! They can’t finish a sentence without one! Oftentimes they use even more than one!! They’re going to have pie for lunch!!! The only thing more exciting than pie is posting about it on the internet!!!!

I suppose it’s possible that a few such exclamatory abusers aren’t actually addicted to the most dramatic of sentence enders.  They may simply have a garage full of leftover exclamation points they inherited from a sedate relative who never used them.

Not knowing what to do with the excess, they routinely overuse them, with a vague and ultimately futile hope of someday clearing out enough space for their car once again.

Somehow something, perhaps a nostalgic fondness for the original owner, won’t allow them to admit to themselves that the only practical fix is a trip — or multiple trips — to the dump.

Ah, but there’s a danger in that simple solution as well. If not properly packed, they’ll be finding random exclamation points stuck in the carpet and under the seats for years to come. Then it would be back to the internet, telling the world of their woeful plight.

I tried to get rid of my exclamation points at the dump! But the bags all tipped over going around a corner! Hundreds of them spilled out!! Maybe even thousands!!! I tried vacuuming, but still see them every time I get in the car!!!!!

That outcome has upside potential, though. The resulting griping and moaning on a public forum gives relentlessly dull people at least the illusion of having a useful purpose in life. For the smallest-minded among us, that’s often enough.

Quoth the raven

Quotation marks are very often abused. When they are, it’s rarely clear if the writer is trying to emphasize something or just plain doesn’t know what quotation marks really mean.

I called a plumber to “fix” my “water heater” but when I balked at the price, he said I was “all wet.”

What?

I personally volunteer to hold their head underwater — hot or cold — to see if that helps.

Commagain?

One of the strangest punctuation addictions involves commas. It’s not easy to figure out what they’re supposed to mean when they’re used in multiples.

I accepted a dare once,,,, got a toothpick stuck in my nose sideways , , , , went to the emergency room but they wouldn’t take cash,,,,,,,so I handed them my left shoe ,,,,,the charge nurse said I had change coming ,,, ,, and gave me her middle finger,,,,

AN EXCEPTION

There is one blatant writing malbehavior that may not be an actual addiction. Instead, it’s likely more of an annoying habit. PEOPLE WHO WRITE IN ALL CAPS SIMPLY DIDN’T GET ENOUGH ATTENTION AS CHILDREN. THEY’RE STILL CRYING OUT AS ADULTS.

THROW IN SOME OF WHAT WE’VE “TALKED ABOUT” SO FAR IN THIS EDITORIAL,,,, AND THEIR “PERSONAL” PROBLEM’S ARE SIMPLY COMPOUNDED! CRAZY,,,RIGHT,,,,,, I KNOW!!!

Fair warning

Parents, take heed of these examples and closely monitor your children’s use of punctuation. Don’t let them fall into a lifelong abyss of unnatural dependence, punctuated by misery and despair.

It is not a theory, not a rumor, or a mere supposition that quotation marks and apostrophes are both gateway punctuation to exclamation points. In turn, that can lead to ellipsis abuse, hyphenation dependence, and, in extreme cases, a semicolonoscopy.

Eventually you overdose on commas and you’re found (usually too late) face down on your keyboard, leaving your friends and family with nothing but question marks.

At your funeral the eulogist misuses air quotes when mentioning your fatal addiction, and the whole destructive process begins anew.

It’s an ugly circle, isn’t it?

— Greg Spadoni, July 14, 2025